Calgon take me….to prison?

I was perusing my Facebook newsfeed several days ago, when I came across a link to an article from my honorary hometown newspaper.

I should preface this ‘story’ by saying The Star Press has published some less-than-serious news over the years, causing my mom to occasionally mail me particularly funny articles. Ones she clipped from the paper by hand and put in an envelope with a stamp and everything. And, almost always, a little post-it note containing a brief greeting and/or explanation of the reason she’d sent me this particular gem.

Like the photo of the one lunch lady inspecting another’s head, accompanied by some ironic caption.

Actually, I might have mailed that one to my sister.

There was also the time in the late 1990’s when one woman, after ingesting an entire bottle of vodka, tried to shoot a callus off her foot. And a more recent gem, featured on News of the Weird, also featured on my trusty Facebook newsfeed.

‘In April, Christina Reber, 43, was charged with assault after she entered the home of her “on-again, off-again” boyfriend in Muncie, Ind., punched him in the head numerous times and squeezed his scrotum until he finally pried her fingers loose.’

All this to say, I’ve read some funny stories in the Muncie newspaper over the years. So when I saw the headline: ‘Months-long investigation results in morning bath salts raid,‘ I eagerly clicked on the link; fully prepared to howl with laughter at some undercover sting operation that yielded copious amounts of…..scented bath product.

I even pictured officers storming into a convenience store with their guns held aloft, tearing triumphantly into boxes of….bath salts.

So I read (skimmed) the article, but my guaranteed chuckle failed to materialize. Because ‘bath salts’ is apparently another word for ‘drugs designed to mimic the impact of street drugs like LSD and methamphetamine.’ Their months-long investigation had yielded…..drugs.

Instead of laughing, I felt bad. Not about the drugs, per se, but about the level of my cluelessnes; unaware that ‘bath salts’ is no longer the stuff you dump in your bathwater to make it smell good.

‘Did you know that bath salts is another word for drugs,’ I asked the professor that night. Certain that I’d just made him privy to new information. He looked at me with the ‘what rock are you living under’ look. ‘Uh, yeah.’ ‘How?!’ I demanded, unwilling to believe that my ‘Breaking Bad’-watching husband might be savvier than I about drugs.

‘Did you not read about the face eater in Miami?’ he referenced the recent headline. ‘No, I did not,’ I defended my obliviousness, ‘because nothing good can come from reading an article about someone gnawing on someone else’s face. It would only serve to disturb me.’

He shook his head in that ‘wow, you’re naive’ way, and we carried on. Playing Facebook Scrabble against each other.

4 thoughts on “Calgon take me….to prison?

  1. Rachel, think of this as a ‘public service’ blog. Ma, that story was classic Muncie. Brandi, he did not confirm if he’d gotten his street smarts from BB or reading scary headlines.


Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s