‘You want to do P90X with me?’ the professor asked me on Saturday night. And so, on a night when other people get babysitters and go out to dinner or wine bars or even Starbucks, we hunkered down in the basement and attempted the Cardio X workout.
My sister had sent me a link to download the workout several weeks earlier and the professor had faithfully burned it onto a DVD. He’d tried it once or twice, but I’d managed to avoid it thus far. But my luck had run out and it was time to face the proverbial music.
Two seconds in, I rolled my eyes. ‘Yeah, he’s cheesy,’ the professor warned me as I shuddered visibly at the utterance of phrases like ‘bring it’ and ‘we’re going to burn some gristle, some grime, some goop today’.
Blech. I could do without the visual, thank you very much.
So we started, and it was fine. A little light jogging – no problem. It was the same amount of jogging I’d done in my excellent ‘burpee’ routine….before I severely dislocated my thumb doing said burpees and banned myself from doing exercises ever again.
But after the light jogging, followed a seemingly never-ending cycle of warm-up yoga; a continuous loop of downward dogs, and runners pose and warrior pose that had me ruing the day I downloaded the ‘free’ workout. That and the sight of my thighs as I attempted downward dog. I’ll blame the poor lighting and the fact that I wasn’t wearing my glasses…..
Suffice it to say my retinas have been scarred for life.
‘We have to do this every day,’ the professor informed me as I gasped for air, my head spinning from the ‘vinyasa’. (I especially loathe the way Tony chants ‘do your vinyasa’.)
‘There’s no way I’m doing this every day,’ I refused. ‘Every other day…..maybe’.
At the end of the workout, I felt okay. Not like I was going to implode from exhaustion. Perhaps because I’d skipped many of the repetitions, and taken a dozen water breaks. Or perhaps because of my extraordinary level of fitness? It was likely the former, but a girl can dream.
Monday night came and the professor was out playing soccer. It was not quite 9pm and 67% of my children were actually asleep, so I turned on the DVD and braced myself for the cheese.
I jogged. It was okay. I yoga’d. I made it. I successfully completed the plyometrics section and just as I was about to pat myself on the back for being awesome, I heard Tony yell ‘and now we’ll repeat the whole set on the other side!’
What? There is no other side.
I lay motionless on the floor for much of the ‘core synergistics’ segment. Incapable of rolling back, with my legs in the air followed by rolling into a standing position with my arms raised. Or was that a jump in the air?
Afterwards, I limped up the staircase with a beet-red face. Convinced that sudden death was imminent. If Cardio X is ‘the least intimidating of the P90X series’ then I’ll be going through life with bubbly thighs.