Apparently I’m being ‘rewarded’ late in life for never having woken up with a hangover. The reward is small, loud children who wake up at the crack of dawn. To be fair, I’m not sure dawn has cracked at 5.45am.
As I’m lying in bed, completely unable to open my eyes…or even move. All I can think is, ‘what have I done to deserve this?’
My eyes are shut, but there’s a person sitting on me. Sitting. On. Me. While bouncing. As if I’m the human equivalent of a bouncy castle or a trampoline. The yelling and crying start immediately, so loud that even the third brother who is ensconced in a water bath, can hear it and starts protesting. As if to say: ‘get them out of here.’ I couldn’t agree more. The bouncing is preceded or followed by ‘I’m ready for breakfast…I’m hungry for breakfast.’ And the dreaded: ‘it’s your turn.’ Amazing how quickly kids catch on.
In theory Jason and I are taking ‘turns’ getting up with the hangovers. But mornings such as these bring on more bargaining than an auction. ‘I’ll give you $5 if you get up with them…..I’ll give you $10 if you get up with them….I’ll get up two days in a row if you do it today.’ This week I find myself playing the pregnancy card. ‘I’m growing a human’ is the only phrase I have the energy to say. It’s my trump card and it usually works.
The thing is, once I’ve been woken up, it’s really hard for me to go back to sleep. So even if I’m not the one getting up, I’m just lying in bed. Awake. But lying in bed in relative quiet is a nice alternative to what’s happening downstairs. Until my solitude is rudely interrupted by a little person carrying a can of Tinker Toys half his size. Who climbs up onto the bed with said Tinker Toys and starts banging on the container like a drum. Right next to my head. Also the little person stinks, because his diaper contains something I cannot stomach to see at such an early hour.
Luckily his father comes to my aid and changes him 2 inches away from my face. So, even without looking, I can get the ‘full experience.’
As someone who shall remain nameless lamented to me today. ‘I’m not a morning person. You knew this when you married me. And then you gave me these awful spawn. Awful……’
Counting down the hours until nap time.